Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Kicking around memory lane.

So, I was going through a box of pictures and found a few of Little Kara.
I'm pretty sure my mom had a thing for the pigtails.
And in the picture below, it's kind of scary how eerily similar I look compared to how I look now (except for the fact that I'm like...5 and miniature).
And below, something completely different. This is a picture of my parents a month after I was born. My mom will be mad at me for posting this picture... she will probably say she doesn't have any make-up on and looks too pale. I don't care, I think she looks beautiful and carefree.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have an extreme disrespect for my father. I pretty much hate him. I'm not saying I hate my dad because he never bought me a new car, or grounded me or didn't let me pursue the career I wanted. I do not have a relationship with my father AT ALL because he took a total disinterest in my life. I have not seen him since I was 13, and have only spoken to him a handful of times since then. I don't know where he is, and the older I get, the more I realize that I don't care. It was his choice to disassociate himself from me. He would probably say it's because of his relationship with my mom. I don't care. That doesn't have anything to do with me. And because of this, I can never forgive him. He will likely never ask for my forgiveness, seeing as how he would actually have to contact me to do so. Part of me questioned whether or not to even make something like this public (to the handful of people that read my blog regularly), with the threat that my half sister could inform my father of my thoughts on the subject.
Still don't care, I have never let my feelings on this matter be a secret to anyone.
Clint and I were discussing him the other night. Clint asked me if I thought my dad would like him, meeting him as my spouse. The question kind of stunned me, I guess because since I have been a child, literally, I never seeked his approval for anything. He does not represent a "parent" to me. I have had some male role models in my life since, and thank God I chose to marry a GOOD man. When I think of the milestones in my life that my father has chosen to miss - high school - high school graduation - college selection - college gradution - meeting boyfriends - meeting THE ONE - my wedding - the birth of my child - it makes me sick to think about missing those things in MY child's life.
It has really got me thinking. What kind of person can you be if you don't have a relationship with your child? All these thoughts running through my head lately, makes me realize how grateful I am to have a good husband. I know that Clint would never walk away from our child, regardless of his relationship with me. Makes me love him all the more.
There is nothing more precious in this life than our children. It's heartbreaking to think that not everyone in this world acts accordingly.
Ok, that's my two cents on the subject.

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